Doctors are, for the most part, human. Which means they make blunders and bloopers just like anybody else. The current Journal of Polymorphous Perversity offers a collection of oddball medical reports - and as the introduction warns, "this varicose vein of anguished English has in no way been doctored." Some excerpts:

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Cardiac: Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for er a year.

Neurologic: Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Gastrointestinal: Rectal exam revealed a normal-size thyroid.

Gynecologic/urologic: Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

Musculoskeletal: On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it had completely disappeared.

Miscellaneous: The skin was moist and dry.

Social history: Patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better.

While in the emergency department, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She was numb from her toes down.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Exam of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Indwelling urinary catheter draining large amounts of urine the color of American Beer.

MD at bedside attempting to urinate. Unsuccessful. (The Physician was actually attempting to intubate.)

Exam reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

The baby was delivered: the cord cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Because she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you'd like to work her up.

If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years, it comes and goes.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around

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